foolinparadise

You are the answer

2008-04-12T05:21:55Z

It's been a crazy, mad, rough, torturous 10 months.
And it's now all over.

All that's left of me is an empty, aching heart.
But I am hopeful. For I have wonderful friends, and a wonderful God.

The tears keep flowing, my mind, my heart, my soul is aching.
But I will not fear.

I know I have let a lot of people worry about me. And in my friend's words, "You haven't been your cheerful self anymore".
I have a long journey ahead of me, but I know that I'm not alone.

Thank you my dear friends, for all the support you have given me.
Some things were just never meant to be.

I will continue on this journey.
But for now, things have come to an end, and it is time to close this journal.
I've had many happy, and sad memories here, all of which I hold dear to my heart.
Goodbye everyone, and thank you for being such faithful readers.

You'll know where to find me, if you want to.

Love,
Bernie.

Strange Dreams

2008-04-03T03:48:54Z

First up, I have a really bad sore throat. I feel as though there's something stuck in my throat that's preventing me from talking. :(
Damn weather, I am so falling sick soon.

I woke up to a really strange dream this morning.
I dreamt that there was this whole group of people around me, and there was this guy, who very oddly resembled Jay Chou. HAHA.
I can only remember snippets of my dream, but from what i can recall, that Jay-Chou-look-alike guy wrote a really sweet note to me to tell me that he liked me. HAHAHAHAHA. (sorry, I find this so hilarious.. what the hell am I thinking in my sleep man -_-").
Then, I wasn't quite sure why, but he got chased away by the crowd of people. So he looked at me, and ran off.
I immediately shouted his name (which I cannot seem to remember), and ran after him. And he took my hand, and he looked really happy, and we ran off together.
I can't really remember what else happened. But the feeling I got when I woke up, was so nice and sweet. I didn't want to wake up from my dream!

So here's what I concluded:
1. I must have dreamt of a Jay Chou look-alike guy because last night, Jiaen was telling me about how she knows this really goodlooking guy who looks like Jay Chou.
2. I came home and asked my friend (online) if she knew of any new Jay Chou songs.
3. I miss the feeling of being loved. :(

Now you can go ahead and laugh at my ridiculous dream.

I'm gonna nurse my sore throat, then head out for lunch!

Sea of Red

2008-03-20T09:31:31Z

Liz's mom had to go to immigration again today, so we had to make a trip down to the city again this morning.
Shortly after lunch, there was a huge crowd with men and women all dressed in red parading in the middle of the city (for those who know perth, just outside david jones). And they had these tshirts on that said 'Red Dress Run 2008'.
There were heaps of them! Funny thing was, some men were dressed up in red nightys and dresses!
There was this particular guy who wore a see through nighty with a tiny red underwear. -_-" No, he wasn't cute. He was kindda hairy at the chest in fact. Ugh. Pity I didn't manage to take a picture of them.

So anyway, I googled the event, and here's what I found:

"Interhash is a bi-annual event where the hash house harriers from around the world gather to enjoy a number of varied runs and some social events in the chosen host city.

This will see approximately 2000 runners dressed in red enjoying the sights of the city whilst raising money for charity.

The prime recipients will be the Perth Children’s Hospital and the Motor Neurone Disease Association."

The Aussies sure have an interesting way of doing things.

simply because.

2008-03-10T10:38:31Z

something's happening to me and i don't know how to deal with it.

lately i've been feeling like an empty shell. it's as though i simply do not care about anything in my life.
i used to get really bored and whine all the time if i stayed home for too many days. i'd want to get out of the house, meet my friends, just go shopping, have fun.
but recently, i just don't care anymore.
it doesn't bother me as much if i have to stay home from wed to sunday (because i only have classes on monday and tuesday. i know, what a slacker right? heh).
i've realised that i have nothing to look forward to. week after week, it's just school, and then home.
all i ever do at home is readings, chat, surf the net, and play bejeweled.
i feel like i'm such a freak cos i'm just glued to the laptop.

my heart and my mind feels very heavy. i havent truly felt lighthearted and happy about anything in a long time.
i used to cry a lot, just to get things out of my system. but i hardly even cry anymore.
why is that so?

i need something to cheer myself up.

we miss bubble tea. and prata is good.

2008-02-20T16:45:09Z

met up with gloria and gina for lunch today at sakura. after which we went in search for our beloved BUBBLE TEA! sadly, no more cool station. so we settled for the bubble tea at graffiti cafe. which was pretty good too!

THEN. met up with the boys prata. it was good meeting up with kenneth and charles after such a long time. :) kenneth is still as funny as ever.

(on the topic of sec sch band and our silly band meetings that we had.. in kenneth's words: "i cant believe i wasted so much time on these meetings!")

Me: eh, i really wonder where chong is now.
Kenneth: JAIL!!!!!!!
Me: -_-"

i'll miss u guys!!

(im really happy. i gave presents to 2 people today, and im so very glad they liked the presents! :D)

belated valentine's day dinner

2008-02-20T14:21:49Z

because i was away on valentine's day (enjoying hongkong! :D), the boy took me to Wild Rockets for our belated valentine's day dinner. really good food and ambience i must say. :)

i love you :D

dinner at the raffles courtyard

2008-02-15T16:20:34Z

mom gave me a $120 dining voucher for raffles hotel. so mike and i headed down on wed night for our belated 11th month anniversary. food was really expensive, but super good and fresh! :)

yeo & ling's wedding (part 3)

2008-01-26T09:05:58Z

and finally, the rest of the photos (that i've got on my com). will post the rest of the photos once i get them from mike :)

the minute we arrived in KL, we went clubbing. we basically went to 3 clubs and opened 2 bottles. these people made me drink so much i had to keep peeing! anyhow, we clubbed till 530am, and at 6am, we left for terengganu. yep, no sleep the entire night. :( me was very grumpy the next day. it was good fun though :)

crystal mosque behind us

yeo & ling's wedding (part 2)

2008-01-25T14:40:28Z

ok everyone. i finally found some time to blog more photos. :) so here goes!

talent spoted gay model!

2 wifeys?!

gay trio. not very glam.

the picture speaks for itself.

at the langkawi jetty

getting ready to go to the beach!!

all our vodkas. alcohol was super freaking cheap in Langkawi!

monkey on a bike.

padi fields!!

p/s: i know the title totally doesnt match the post, since there are no wedding photos. but but but, the main purpose of our trip to malaysia was for their wedding. and i still havent managed to get hold of the wedding photos. i will i will! soon!

yeo & ling's wedding (part 1)

2008-01-23T14:39:41Z

i haven't blogged in a really long time!
i know there's this particular person who keeps asking me to blog and post photos. haha. my dear teo yanqi, i finally got the photos from mike.

so here's photos of my first trip to malaysia for Ling and Yeo's wedding dinner - KL and Kedah.
** warning: lots of photos! **

i was sleeping on the bus ride.. all curled up into a ball. mike obviously found it very amusing to take a shot of me like this.

our big cozy value-for-money room!! it's ginormous! absolutely love the hotel (Pacific Regency).

lunch at some hongkong restaurant at Sungei Wang.

this photo was supposed to be for my sister, who happens to love Paul Frank.

new shopping centre, Pavillion. i swear it's nicer and bigger than any other shopping centre in singapore!!! the forever 21 there is... OMG SO DAMN FREAKING HUGE I COULD STAY IN THERE FOR THE ENTIRE DAY!!!

Dinner at Luna Bar, this really cool chill out place located at the top floor of the hotel we stayed in. :) good food, good ambience, good company. :D

KL Tower sticking out of his head. hehe.

breakfast was yummy with a really wide spread. :D but too bad, i was sick. so i couldnt really enjoy it. :(

taking the monorail to the shopping centre!

while waiting for the taxi to arrive earlier in the morning. heading towards the airport!

our plane to Alor Star!

Vicki, the bride, the groom, mike

whee! school bus!

crazy guys.. -_-"

anyway, there are HEAPS more photos. but i'm going to stop here for now. really sleepy. haha. will post the rest soon!!

merry christmas

2007-12-24T13:18:46Z

gonna leave for church in about two hours' time.

i love christmas mass. it's my most favourite time of the year. and i hold it so close to my heart cos it means so much to me.
i was just thinking about the old wooden church, before it was renovated.
every christmas mass at midnight, all the lights would go off.
then everyone would light a candle. i love that calm, serene peace and cosy feeling.

pity now the church is airconditioned and we cant light candles.

i guess many things dont always stay the same.

merry christmas to everyone. God Bless.

I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

2007-12-24T00:47:32Z

just read yanqi's blog. so sweet! her boyfriend proposed to her on their 5th year anniversary. :) really happy for this couple. all that hardship finally paid off my dear!! cherish your relationship! :D

really envious of those happy people. hehe.
at the same time, i'm happy to know that there are still couples around who would fight till the end to be together, no matter what comes their way.
i guess it all boils down to respecting each other, talking things out in a nice manner.
conversation is such an important thing. if you can't be each others' best friend, how can you ever understand each other?

so this is my fourth week back in singapore.
first two weeks were awesome, although time seems to pass a lot faster when working and i so do not like it!
but on the third week, everything seemed to slide downhill.

i initially thought this year's christmas was going to be an extra special and happy one. with my family and boyfriend around me.
but unfortunately, things don't always happen the way we want them to. so this year, it's just christmas with my family.
it kindda hurts me to know that i'm spending christmas 'alone'.
but i don't really have a choice, do i?
i've got to admit i'm not exactly all too excited about christmas this year.
well, at least there's always my family and that handful of really amazing friends to spend this special day.
after all, the focus of christmas should be on Christ's birth, isn't it?

i'm being such a crybaby these days.
but then, i think it actually makes people happy and delighted to see me feeling hurt. haha.
and you know the sick feeling in your stomach that you get when you feel as though something bad is about to happen? the horrible feeling that makes you nervous, anxious, and nauseous?
i'm getting a lot of that these days.

i'm wearing a lot of masks as well lately.
just so i can hide my tears behind a smiling face.

when will i ever be truly happy?

cos maybe,

2007-12-23T02:13:31Z

... just maybe... this is the end of the road.

disappointments screw my life up

2007-11-22T05:43:46Z

i hate disappointments.
i hate it when people put my hopes up and drop me in the end.
i really hate it.
i hate looking forward to holidays and trips, but in the end, i cant.

f** all the dumb people in the world.
f*** all those who make me disappointed.

because time will tell

2007-11-02T06:03:03Z

I've always wondered...

How much does a person have to do before it will be considered "enough"?
Will enough, ever really be enough?
How far would you go just to make a person happy?
Can commitments last forever?
Does forever even exist?

I've realized that I am longer able to pen down my feelings as freely as before.
It's been a really long while since I last smiled like I never smiled before, laughed like I wanted the whole world to hear my joy.
It's been awhile since I last said 'I love you' to someone and mean it whole-heartedly.

Sometimes i secretly dream of you and me together. Holding hands, in our own little world. Where there is no one else but us.
No troubles, no tears, no objection from family and friends.
Just us.
Nice, peaceful, quiet.
Then I wake up with a start, and I find that it's just a dream.

I wish I lived in a dream.
Reality always hits the hardest.

where are you?

2007-10-26T11:24:36Z

because i really miss you a lot. :(

if i could turn back time

2007-10-25T06:03:56Z

the past ten days were really great. if i could turn back time, i'd want to re-live the 10days again.

DAY ONE - Breakfast at Subi and Dinner at Freo

DAY THREE - William's house

DAY FOUR - Lunch at Bateman and drinks at Windsor

DAY FIVE - Dinner at Kaoru's

DAY SIX - Dinner at Yeo's

DAY SEVEN - Belgium Bar, dinner at Northbridge, desserts at Valentino

DAY EIGHT - Breakfast at Mosman Bay, picnic lunch, movie marathon at Danny's

DAY ELEVEN - Dinner at Spaghi's (more pics to be added later), drinks at Windsor

put a smile on my face

2007-10-11T06:17:14Z

the reason i've stopped blogging for so long is because i haven't been taking any pictures. and, as i'm not exactly a very big fan of wordy blogs, i reckon people would find my blog boring if i just typed non-stop without any entertaining pictures!

why have i stopped taking photos?

i was looking through a lot of the old photos. and it hit me, that photos, were sort of a representation of happiness (to me at least). since i haven't exactly been genuinely happy lately, i felt it would be a tad fake to be taking photos and pretending to smile. i don't want people to have the impression that i'm superbly happy, when i'm obviously NOT. but anyway, i shall stop being a grouch and talk about other stuff.

my results, have been really shitty lately. i seem to be stuck at the credit range. HRMPH. better start to pull up my socks!

on other matters, mike is coming tmr night. :)
and petrol is very cheap this week. i guess these two things cheer me up slightly. :D

so.. photo entry soon. when i feel happier. :)

because im not too sure what im talking about

2007-10-02T03:55:24Z

i feel.... kindda lost.
i need.... to find someone to go out with tonight.
i hate.... the way im feeling now.
i hope.... nothing will happen.

im feeling pretty damn uncomfortable now.

i dont know what to do

2007-09-27T15:11:53Z

sometimes i feel so tired. everyone has their expectations of me, and i'm supposed to listen to every single one of them. i try not to make the situation seem so serious, just so that i'll keep myself sane. but people don't understand. they think i'm very strong because i laugh at problems, and i'm still hanging in there. maybe i'm not that strong. i'm only human. i, too, will get tired.

in the past 7 months, i've never regretted anything. even when my friends shake their heads at me, my family saying 'i told you...'. i know God is the one providing me with all the strength i have to hang on, but i'm not quite sure what He wants me to do. Dear God, if You read this, please show me the way. Don't give me hints please, because i'm very bad at deciphering hints. :x

i wish people would just stop telling me what i should do, what i shouldn't do. this is also my life. i wish people would just shut up for a moment and listen to what i have to say.

but when everything falls upon my shoulders and i'm expected to be able to carry all these problems, and i cant, i think i will run away. not for long. just a little while. just to get away from everything and think things through.

i need to run away.

you are the one, till the end

2007-09-21T14:50:28Z

Till the End - Dou Yu

All these precious moments
With you by my side
Must be a gift from heaven
That's holding me all night

I don't know how I found you
I'm thankful that I have
Now that I have a love so true
To hold, to keep, to share

In my heart I can no longer hold inside
All of the love I used to hide
I'll always be with you until the very end
In this world there is no place I'd rather be
You are my life, my soul, my [boy]
And through it all
I know you'll come to see that you're the one till the end

All my friends around me
Say you'd be gone too soon
Baby I'm gonna make them see
We've found our way back home

In my heart I can no longer hold inside
All of the love I used to hide
I'll always be with you until the very end
In this world there is no place I'd rather be
You are my life, my soul, my girl
And through it all
I know that you'll come to see that you're the one till the end

Will always be, till the end.

the warrior in me

2007-09-21T11:58:00Z

because i love you, i refuse to give up on us.
because i love you, i will persevere.
because i love you, i will try and make things work.
because i love you, i will brave any obstacles.
because i love you, i will tolerate all tears and unhappiness.
because i love you, i will fight till the end.

because i love you.

because everything seems to be going downhill

2007-09-18T09:24:53Z

Everything in my life now seems to be going downhill. Uni isn't that great cos tutors are revealing their true selves, workload is piling and my grades are dropping, even the weather seems to be gloomy all the time. Most times I'm struggling with a lot of things inside by myself, and there's no one I can really talk to. I'm beginning to feel incompetent and like a failure. Sometimes I just feel like everyone's lives seem to be moving forward, while I'm just being left behind. I can practically see all my friends and family moving forward, moving ahead in their lives, while both my legs are stuck in the mud, and I'm struggling to catch up with them. But of course, I'm still stuck in the same position, and I can't move. Soon, there's just emptiness around me. I find myself getting caught in situations that I once told myself never to get into. I find that I cant free myself, and I'm just a shadow moving through life.

I wish I could make things better; make myself happier. But it's kind of hard having to do it all alone. I wish people would listen to me talk, cheer me up with the small but sweet things in life. Most of all, I wish I could turn back time. I kindda envy those who have one particular close friend whom they can share their problems with. I especially envy those who always have someone there for them. I know I have my mom and a couple of friends to fall back on in my darkest moments, and there's always God, but sometimes we just long for those who we cannot have.

I wonder if things are going to get better. If uni life will start looking brighter. I wonder if life in Perth will be less lonely. I wonder if this is part of God's plan to make me stronger.

But then, even as I know there's nothing much I can do about certain things except to look forward, there are always those moments when I feel like I just want to crawl into a hole and disappear.

virgin korean dinner in perth

2007-09-13T04:12:30Z

I've been in Perth for slightly more than a year, and I've eaten Thai food, Jap, Chinese, Western, Italian etc. But! I've never gotten to eat korean food here before! So, since I was feeling kindda down yesterday, Gloria said to go out to dinner together for some yummy schummy korean food in Northbridge. So, Gloria, Gina, LeeKim, Jess and I headed down to KimChi House. The food was good, company was great. Sometimes all it takes is just a little bit of girl company to turn a bad day around. :)

After the perfect dinner for a super cold night, we headed to Utopia for bubble tea, even though our stomachs were so full our pants were bursting.

TEO YANQI! this photo is for you. :)
because your best friend Gloria Phua say you like to take photo like this! (look at Gloria's pose.) heehee.

I have no idea what these two were trying to do. :|

Gloria's attempt at taking an ugly photo of us. (cos i always do that to her. haha..)

It was great fun and I'm thankful I have such great friends. But now it's back to WORK!! :(
I have another 1400words to finish by 3pm tmr. SUCKS.

what is a relationship?

2007-09-12T01:27:53Z

TRUST
TRUST is a very important factor for all relationships. When trust is
broken, it is the end of the relationship. Lack of trust leads to
suspicion, suspicion generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmity may
result in separation.

A telephone operator told me that one day she received a phone call. She
answered, "Public Utilities Board." There was silence. She repeated, "PUB."
There was still no answer. When she was going to cut off the line, she Heard
a lady's voice, "Oh, so this is PUB. Sorry, I got the number from my
Husband's pocket but I do not know whose number it is."

Without mutual trust, just imagine what will happen to the couple if the
telephone operator answered with just "hello" instead of "PUB".

NO POINTING FINGERS

A man asked his father-in-law, "Many people praised you for a successful
marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?"
The father-in-law answered in a smile, "Never criticize your wife for her
shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that
because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a better
husband than
you."

We all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are afraid of
losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he would look around
to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. This is the start of a war. We
should always remember that when we point one finger at a person, the other
four fingers are pointing at ourselves.

If we forgive the others, others will ignore our mistake too.

CREATING PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS?

A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested
"I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one." The SDU
officer said, "Your requirements, please." "Oh, good looking, polite,
humorous , sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to
accompany me the whole day at home during my
leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need
companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The officer
listened carefully and replied, "I understand you need television."

There is a saying that a perfect match can only be found between a blind
wife and a deaf husband ,because the blind wife cannot see the faults of the
husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of the wife. Many
couples are blind and deaf at the courting stage and dream of perpetual
perfect relationship. Unfortunately, when the excitement of love wears off,
they wake up and discover that marriage is not a bed of roses. The nightmare
begins.

NO OVERPOWERING

Many relationships fail because one party tries to overpower another,or
demands too much. People in love tend to think that love will conquer all
and their spouses will change the bad habits after marriage. Actually, this
is not the case. There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that
"It is easier to reshape a mountain or a river than a person's character."

It is not easy to change. Thus, having high expectation on changing the
spouse character will cause disappointment and unpleasantness.

It would be less painful to change ourselves and lower our expectations..

RIGHT SPEECH

There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that "A speech will
either prosper or ruin a nation." Many relationships break off because of
wrong speech. When a couple is too close with each other,we always forget
mutual respect and courtesy. We may say anything without considering if it
would hurt the other party.

A friend and her millionaire husband visited their construction site. A
worker who wore a helmet saw her and shouted,"Hi, Emily! Remember me? We
used to date in the secondary school." On the way home, her millionaire
husband teased her, "Luckily you married me.Otherwise you will be the wife
of a construction worker." She answered ,"You should appreciate that you
married me. Otherwise, he will be the millionaire and not you."

Frequently exchanging these remarks plants the seed for a bad relationship.
It's like a broken egg - cannot be reversed.

PERSONAL PERCEPTION

Different people have different perception. One man's meat could be another
man's poison. A couple bought a donkey from the market. On the way home,a
boy commented, "Very stupid. Why neither of them ride on the donkey?"Upon
hearing that, the husband let the wife ride on the donkey. He walked besides
them. Later, an old man saw it and commented, "The husband is the head of
family. How can the wife ride on the donkey while the husband is on foot?"
Hearing this, the wife quickly got down and let the husband ride on the
donkey.

Further on the way home, they met an old Lady. She commented, "How can the
man ride on the donkey but let the wife walk. He is no gentleman."
The husband thus quickly asked the wife to join him on the donkey. Then,
they met a young man. He commented, "Poor donkey, how can you hold up the
weight of two persons. They are cruel to you." Hearing that, the husband and
wife immediately climbed down from the donkey and carried it on their
shoulders.

It seems to be the only choice left. Later, on a na rrow bridge, the donkey
was frightened and struggled. They lost their balance and fell into the
river. You can never have everyone praise you, nor will everyone condemn
you. Never in the past, not at present, and never will be in the future.

Thus, do not be too bothered by others words if our conscience is clear..

BE PATIENT

This is a true story which happened in the States. A man came out of his
home to admire his new truck. To his puzzlement, his three-year-old son was
happily hammering dents into the shiny paint of the truck. The man ran to
his son, knocked him away, hammered the little boy's hands into pulp as
punishment. When the father calmed down, he rushed his son to the hospital.

Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones, he finally
had to amputate the fingers from both the boy's hands. When the boy woke up
from the surgery & saw his bandaged stubs, he innocently said, " Daddy,I'm
sorry about your truck." Then he asked, "but when are my fingers going to
grow back?" The father went home & committed
suicide.

Think about this story the next time someone steps on your feet or u wish to
take revenge. Think first before u lose your patience with someone u love.
Trucks can be repaired.. Broken bones & hurt feelings often can't. Too often
we fail to recognize the difference between the person and the performance.
We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge.

People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we
take while in a rage will haunt us forever.