It's been a crazy, mad, rough, torturous 10 months.
And it's now all over.

All that's left of me is an empty, aching heart.
But I am hopeful. For I have wonderful friends, and a wonderful God.

The tears keep flowing, my mind, my heart, my soul is aching.
But I will not fear.

I know I have let a lot of people worry about me. And in my friend's words, "You haven't been your cheerful self anymore".
I have a long journey ahead of me, but I know that I'm not alone.

Thank you my dear friends, for all the support you have given me.
Some things were just never meant to be.

I will continue on this journey.
But for now, things have come to an end, and it is time to close this journal.
I've had many happy, and sad memories here, all of which I hold dear to my heart.
Goodbye everyone, and thank you for being such faithful readers.

You'll know where to find me, if you want to.

Love,
Bernie.

First up, I have a really bad sore throat. I feel as though there's something stuck in my throat that's preventing me from talking. :(
Damn weather, I am so falling sick soon.

I woke up to a really strange dream this morning.
I dreamt that there was this whole group of people around me, and there was this guy, who very oddly resembled Jay Chou. HAHA.
I can only remember snippets of my dream, but from what i can recall, that Jay-Chou-look-alike guy wrote a really sweet note to me to tell me that he liked me. HAHAHAHAHA. (sorry, I find this so hilarious.. what the hell am I thinking in my sleep man -_-").
Then, I wasn't quite sure why, but he got chased away by the crowd of people. So he looked at me, and ran off.
I immediately shouted his name (which I cannot seem to remember), and ran after him. And he took my hand, and he looked really happy, and we ran off together.
I can't really remember what else happened. But the feeling I got when I woke up, was so nice and sweet. I didn't want to wake up from my dream!

So here's what I concluded:
1. I must have dreamt of a Jay Chou look-alike guy because last night, Jiaen was telling me about how she knows this really goodlooking guy who looks like Jay Chou.
2. I came home and asked my friend (online) if she knew of any new Jay Chou songs.
3. I miss the feeling of being loved. :(

Now you can go ahead and laugh at my ridiculous dream.

I'm gonna nurse my sore throat, then head out for lunch!

Liz's mom had to go to immigration again today, so we had to make a trip down to the city again this morning.
Shortly after lunch, there was a huge crowd with men and women all dressed in red parading in the middle of the city (for those who know perth, just outside david jones). And they had these tshirts on that said 'Red Dress Run 2008'.
There were heaps of them! Funny thing was, some men were dressed up in red nightys and dresses!
There was this particular guy who wore a see through nighty with a tiny red underwear. -_-" No, he wasn't cute. He was kindda hairy at the chest in fact. Ugh. Pity I didn't manage to take a picture of them.

This will see approximately 2000 runners dressed in red enjoying the sights of the city whilst raising money for charity.

The prime recipients will be the Perth Children’s Hospital and the Motor Neurone Disease Association."

The Aussies sure have an interesting way of doing things.

something's happening to me and i don't know how to deal with it.

lately i've been feeling like an empty shell. it's as though i simply do not care about anything in my life.
i used to get really bored and whine all the time if i stayed home for too many days. i'd want to get out of the house, meet my friends, just go shopping, have fun.
but recently, i just don't care anymore.
it doesn't bother me as much if i have to stay home from wed to sunday (because i only have classes on monday and tuesday. i know, what a slacker right? heh).
i've realised that i have nothing to look forward to. week after week, it's just school, and then home.
all i ever do at home is readings, chat, surf the net, and play bejeweled.
i feel like i'm such a freak cos i'm just glued to the laptop.

my heart and my mind feels very heavy. i havent truly felt lighthearted and happy about anything in a long time.
i used to cry a lot, just to get things out of my system. but i hardly even cry anymore.
why is that so?

i need something to cheer myself up.

met up with gloria and gina for lunch today at sakura. after which we went in search for our beloved BUBBLE TEA! sadly, no more cool station. so we settled for the bubble tea at graffiti cafe. which was pretty good too!

because i was away on valentine's day (enjoying hongkong! :D), the boy took me to Wild Rockets for our belated valentine's day dinner. really good food and ambience i must say. :)

and finally, the rest of the photos (that i've got on my com). will post the rest of the photos once i get them from mike :)

ok everyone. i finally found some time to blog more photos. :) so here goes!

i haven't blogged in a really long time!
i know there's this particular person who keeps asking me to blog and post photos. haha. my dear teo yanqi, i finally got the photos from mike.

so here's photos of my first trip to malaysia for Ling and Yeo's wedding dinner - KL and Kedah.
** warning: lots of photos! **

gonna leave for church in about two hours' time.

i love christmas mass. it's my most favourite time of the year. and i hold it so close to my heart cos it means so much to me.
i was just thinking about the old wooden church, before it was renovated.
every christmas mass at midnight, all the lights would go off.
then everyone would light a candle. i love that calm, serene peace and cosy feeling.

pity now the church is airconditioned and we cant light candles.

i guess many things dont always stay the same.

merry christmas to everyone. God Bless.

just read yanqi's blog. so sweet! her boyfriend proposed to her on their 5th year anniversary. :) really happy for this couple. all that hardship finally paid off my dear!! cherish your relationship! :D

really envious of those happy people. hehe.
at the same time, i'm happy to know that there are still couples around who would fight till the end to be together, no matter what comes their way.
i guess it all boils down to respecting each other, talking things out in a nice manner.
conversation is such an important thing. if you can't be each others' best friend, how can you ever understand each other?

so this is my fourth week back in singapore.
first two weeks were awesome, although time seems to pass a lot faster when working and i so do not like it!
but on the third week, everything seemed to slide downhill.

i initially thought this year's christmas was going to be an extra special and happy one. with my family and boyfriend around me.
but unfortunately, things don't always happen the way we want them to. so this year, it's just christmas with my family.
it kindda hurts me to know that i'm spending christmas 'alone'.
but i don't really have a choice, do i?
i've got to admit i'm not exactly all too excited about christmas this year.
well, at least there's always my family and that handful of really amazing friends to spend this special day.
after all, the focus of christmas should be on Christ's birth, isn't it?

i'm being such a crybaby these days.
but then, i think it actually makes people happy and delighted to see me feeling hurt. haha.
and you know the sick feeling in your stomach that you get when you feel as though something bad is about to happen? the horrible feeling that makes you nervous, anxious, and nauseous?
i'm getting a lot of that these days.

i'm wearing a lot of masks as well lately.
just so i can hide my tears behind a smiling face.

when will i ever be truly happy?

... just maybe... this is the end of the road.

i hate disappointments.
i hate it when people put my hopes up and drop me in the end.
i really hate it.
i hate looking forward to holidays and trips, but in the end, i cant.

f** all the dumb people in the world.
f*** all those who make me disappointed.

I've always wondered...

How much does a person have to do before it will be considered "enough"?
Will enough, ever really be enough?
How far would you go just to make a person happy?
Can commitments last forever?
Does forever even exist?

I've realized that I am longer able to pen down my feelings as freely as before.
It's been a really long while since I last smiled like I never smiled before, laughed like I wanted the whole world to hear my joy.
It's been awhile since I last said 'I love you' to someone and mean it whole-heartedly.

Sometimes i secretly dream of you and me together. Holding hands, in our own little world. Where there is no one else but us.
No troubles, no tears, no objection from family and friends.
Just us.
Nice, peaceful, quiet.
Then I wake up with a start, and I find that it's just a dream.

I wish I lived in a dream.
Reality always hits the hardest.

because i really miss you a lot. :(

the past ten days were really great. if i could turn back time, i'd want to re-live the 10days again.

the reason i've stopped blogging for so long is because i haven't been taking any pictures. and, as i'm not exactly a very big fan of wordy blogs, i reckon people would find my blog boring if i just typed non-stop without any entertaining pictures!

why have i stopped taking photos?

i was looking through a lot of the old photos. and it hit me, that photos, were sort of a representation of happiness (to me at least). since i haven't exactly been genuinely happy lately, i felt it would be a tad fake to be taking photos and pretending to smile. i don't want people to have the impression that i'm superbly happy, when i'm obviously NOT. but anyway, i shall stop being a grouch and talk about other stuff.

my results, have been really shitty lately. i seem to be stuck at the credit range. HRMPH. better start to pull up my socks!

on other matters, mike is coming tmr night. :)
and petrol is very cheap this week. i guess these two things cheer me up slightly. :D

so.. photo entry soon. when i feel happier. :)

i feel.... kindda lost.
i need.... to find someone to go out with tonight.
i hate.... the way im feeling now.
i hope.... nothing will happen.


im feeling pretty damn uncomfortable now.

sometimes i feel so tired. everyone has their expectations of me, and i'm supposed to listen to every single one of them. i try not to make the situation seem so serious, just so that i'll keep myself sane. but people don't understand. they think i'm very strong because i laugh at problems, and i'm still hanging in there. maybe i'm not that strong. i'm only human. i, too, will get tired.

in the past 7 months, i've never regretted anything. even when my friends shake their heads at me, my family saying 'i told you...'. i know God is the one providing me with all the strength i have to hang on, but i'm not quite sure what He wants me to do. Dear God, if You read this, please show me the way. Don't give me hints please, because i'm very bad at deciphering hints. :x

i wish people would just stop telling me what i should do, what i shouldn't do. this is also my life. i wish people would just shut up for a moment and listen to what i have to say.

but when everything falls upon my shoulders and i'm expected to be able to carry all these problems, and i cant, i think i will run away. not for long. just a little while. just to get away from everything and think things through.

i need to run away.